It’s a moment that parent are all too familiar with: the moment when the energy in your home completely alters.
Everything was tranquil until you served your child breakfast on the controversial blue dish. Specifically, the one he liked YESTERDAY.
Overnight, everything you believed you knew about your child turned out to be incorrect — “I want my sandwich to be in triangles, not rectangles!” or “I want the green cup, not the red one!” or “Those socks disgust me!!
You wonder what happened to your darling child.
You lose it when the tension in the home grows and it appears your youngster is eager to fight over the smallest request.
In any case, his requests make no sense to an adult, and because they are illogical, your only answer is anger: “STOP SHOUTING!”
“EAT ONLY FROM THE BLUE PLATE!” you yell.
You exclaim, “IT MATTERS NOT WHAT SHAPE YOUR SANDWICH IS IN!”
The realisation finally dawns on you: you yelled at your child to stop screaming.
Never before has the adage Do as I say, not as I do carried so much weight.
Oh, pal. I’ve been there, and I am all too familiar with those emotions.
As a former shouter, I recall many nights of going to bed hoarse and defeated before deciding that there MUST be a better way.
After years of studying Positive Parenting and Adlerian Psychology, I compiled a set of techniques that completely transformed my family.
After witnessing the results myself, I felt I had to share this positive parenting philosophy and the related punishment techniques with parents all around the world.
The outcomes continue to be remarkable.
The following set of approaches will help you view misbehaviour differently.
There is a complete Toolbox of strategies that go along with these parenting methods, but this list will give you a fantastic start to begin noticing a significant difference in your home.
1. Determine the Cause of the Behavior
Positive parenting specialists from around the world concur that there is always a cause for a child’s bad or disruptive behaviour.
So, what happened with the blue plate? It wasn’t a random demonstration of poor judgement; your child’s actions were driven by an innate trait.
There is always a cause for the behaviour, whether it was a lack of skills in regulating his strong emotions, a desire to grab your attention, or a power play to assert his independence. (Even if he doesn’t recognise it, which is usually the case!)
Keep in mind that the conduct itself is merely a symptom. Our problem as parents is to determine the underlying cause of this annoying behaviour.
If your child could simply say, “Mommy, I would really appreciate some one-on-one time with you when I have you to myself, I would make your life MUCH easier.
Is there a moment this evening when we can accomplish that?”
However, we all agree that this is an unreasonable expectation.
Instead, children use negative means to grab our attention, such as pushing our buttons.
Because the truth is, if a child doesn’t receive our attention in positive ways (when they don’t have to beg for it or demand it), they will find bad methods to acquire it.
Imagine you are a detective. Ask yourself, “What is this child trying to accomplish via his actions?” when a youngster begins to act out.
“What would he be attempting to tell me with this conduct if he had language abilities and emotional intelligence?”
Once you have identified the underlying source of the problem, you can become a more PROACTIVE parent and prevent such outbursts from occurring.
Imagine you have to take an important call, but your children decide it’s a wonderful time to start a wrestling session while you’re on the phone.
While still attempting to appear involved in the phone discussion, you give your children the “if you don’t stop this immediately I’ll lose it when I’m done” look, but to no avail.
You continue your nonverbal shushing as you move from room to room in quest of silence, but the wrestling fight appears to follow you. It’s tiresome.
And by the time the call ends, you feel as if you’ve just run 5 miles.
This wrestling battle, which began as soon as you picked up the phone, was likely designed to grab your attention and push your buttons.
They were aware that you were powerless to intervene while you were on the phone, so it was the ideal opportunity for them to act out and attract your unwanted attention.
Utilize this as a learning opportunity, and NOW ACTIVELY PREPARE for the next time you must take a call.
Tell your children 20 minutes before your phone call, “Hey boys, mother will be on the phone in 20 minutes. Before I accomplish that, I’d adore playing a game with you all!”
During the preceding twenty minutes, offer your children your complete attention.
You can send them reminders before to the call, such as “Wow! I enjoy playing games with you much. Once my mother has completed her call, I’d love to play again!”
Give your children a choice when it’s time for the call: “Mommy must take her call now.
While I’m on the phone, would you like to watch a show or play quietly with your Legos?”
Also, provide a method for them to “tell you anything” if something they deem urgent arises during the call.
Leave a pad of paper handy so they can write or draw anything they wish to tell you after your call has ended.
If you fill their attention buckets beforehand and set clear expectations, your children will likely behave better the next time you take a call.
Note: Members of Positive Parenting Solutions will learn in Lesson #31 of Session 4 how to use the Attention Overload Tool to prevent all types of power clashes.
2. Be Consistent Parent
While parents appreciate the necessity of consistency on an intellectual level, the reality is that life occurs – school is cancelled, plans alter, and last-minute changes are made to the schedule.
Although we cannot always control what happens in life, it is best to keep routines, schedules, and expectations in your home most of the time.
What’s your morning routine like?
If you expect your children to make their beds, wash their teeth, and dress themselves before to eating breakfast, then keep this schedule daily.
Maintain a consistent schedule on weekends and holidays. This will prevent you from experiencing the Monday morning slump!
Maintain strict technological “policies” What happens if your children disregard your family’s technology rules?
To be the kind of parent you aspire to be, it is crucial that technology rules are clearly conveyed and that children understand the repercussions for breaking them.
If children reject or “forget” to turn off the video game at the end of the allotted time, consistently apply the previously outlined punishment.
When parents are consistent with rules and penalties, children are significantly less prone to test the boundaries.
If your child is nagging and negotiating excessively due of prior inconsistencies, you may stop it with three simple phrases and get back on track.
3. Do Not Accept Rewards
I frequently surprise parents inexperienced with positive parenting practises when I dissuade them from using rewards.
In reality, rewards do more harm than good and can lead to a significant amount of entitlement in the future.
Parenting is not a sprint, but a marathon. When deciding how to punish your children, it is essential to keep your long-term goals in mind.
Rewards are inefficient since they only provide temporary benefits.
Consider that you may have rewarded your child with a cookie today for behaving nicely in the grocery store, but what will she expect in the future? Surely at least one cookie? Perhaps even two? Will a similar reward be provided at the next doctor’s office or shopping trip?
Or perhaps you bribed your finicky eater with dessert ice cream to eat their vegetables.
Now that he is aware that veggies can be sold for the price of ice cream, it is logical for him to delay eating his vegetables until he is provided ice cream or another equally enticing sweet treat.
Using rewards as a negotiating point for desired conduct is a steep slope to an entitlement mentality.
Moreover, numerous studies have demonstrated that children who are rewarded lose interest in the activity they are being awarded for – colouring, reading, practising the piano, etc.
Maintain your position, my friend; children do not require incentives to perform appropriately.
4. Concentrate on What You Can Influence – YOURSELF
Oh, this is difficult, especially in the heat of the moment, my friends. However, if you realise that there is ALWAYS a REASON for your children’s behaviour AND that they have free will, you may begin to respond appropriately.
Parents achieve a kind of emotional freedom when they recognise, “I cannot always control my children, but I can control my answers.”
Sure, some parents may be able to terrify their children into behaving properly or threaten them with punishment to achieve a short-term objective.
At the end of the day, each child will mature into an adult with complete autonomy over their life choices.
Instead of intimidating, bribing, or shaming youngsters into making good decisions, I encourage parents to rethink their view of the child.
Instead of viewing him as a misbehaving youngster, view him as a young person who lacks the necessary abilities to conduct effectively in a specific circumstance.
By doing so, parents will be more equipped to address undesirable behaviours.
ONE WAY TO CONTROL OUR REACTIONS IS TO DETERMINE IN ADVANCE WHAT WE WILL DO.
This method is highly effective for persuading children to perform tasks that they are fully capable of, that we annoy them about.
But that they generally refuse to do, such as emptying backpacks or lunchboxes, putting laundry in the hamper, tidying up toys, etc.
Let’s use lunchboxes as an example.
Determine what you’re willing to do and what age-appropriate responsibilities your children should bear.
In a calm moment, reveal in advance, “I’m pleased to cook you a lunch every morning for school, provided that your lunchbox is empty and on the pantry shelf or the kitchen counter.
If the lunchboxes are clean and in the correct location, I will gladly prepare your lunch. If anything is not cleaned out or in its place, you are responsible for preparing your own meal.”
Then, inquire, “Is there anything you’d want to do to remind yourself to empty your lunchbox and place it in the pantry?”
Since you will not be reminding him, he may wish to create a visual or written reminder for himself.
Moreover, ensure that everyone has a complete understanding:
“Just so we’re on the same page, could you reiterate your responsibilities for lunchboxes and what I’ve chosen to do with lunch preparation?”
5. Regard Your Child With Honor
“Do not call children names or hit them. Children learn from their parent, and being abusive or violent encourages them to approach disputes with anger and cruelty.
If you are extremely angry in the present, take a break and walk away, then return with a plan for discipline.
If you lose your temper, acknowledge that you did so and express regret that you did so.
A tone that is stern and even angry but measured is far more effective than one that is erratic and vengeful.”
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